Doubt. What a lonely word. It creeps like a thief through the cracks in the door of your heart, robbing the stability that holds you together. Promises, lies, scriptures, they float around in your head fighting for their place on top. Your mind becomes confused and full of crazy questions, wondering what truly is real and what is a lie. Next, a flood of emotions come crashing in, and mixes with the questions. Slowly, you begin to lose hope. Hope in who you are and what you stand for. The future becomes dark and uncertain. Even the past is now full of questions and doubts. Loneliness comes, telling you that you are all alone in this world. It spins its riddles of how you’re living lies and only half-truths of reality. Slowly, but desperately, your mind begins to make up its own truths. Not because you want to believe a lie, but because you need something to stand on while your world spins further and further out of control.
Now your quest is for peace, but it eludes you like a shadow fading from the light. Anger finds you frustrated and worried, giving you a new story to believe. A story that tells you everyone else is to blame that you feel this way. You think of all the people, each one, you can see their faces, you can hear their words. But now, somehow, their words have become distorted. Anger is telling you to look through the eyes of hate, and hear their words through ears of resentment. Again, a flood of questions comes crashing into your mind, being lead by the hand of doubt. “How could they lie to me?” “How could they leave me like this?” Anger and loneliness drive you to extremes, causing you to experience things, that as a child, you promised yourself you would never succumb to.
The final question comes to your mind, “how do I make it all end?” Anger, fear, and doubt laugh as you search for the answers. Just as the final verdict has been reached. Just as the final act of self-destruction is being ready to be played out. There is another sound at the door. It’s faint, and seems to be in the distance. You lean in, and strain just a bit to hear it. Doubt, anger, and loneliness reach for your ears, but for some reason, you can still hear it. You walk closer to the door, and begin to reach for the knob, but doubt stops you for one last talk. He reminds you of all the times when you felt overwhelmed by the pressures of your “other life.” How it was only full of broken dreams and broken hopes. As he speaks to you, you begin to realize his words are only keeping you from what is on the other side of the door. Once more, you begin to reach for the door as the knocking grows louder and louder. Your heart begins to race and your palms begin to sweat as your mind spins around in circles, wondering, doubting, yet hoping. Hoping that if you open that door it will truly be all that it has been said to be. “Will it ease my pain?” “Will it make me free?” “Will it truly restore me?”
Your hand turns the knob and slowly begins to open the door. Tears come to your eyes and roll down your cheeks as the light shines brightly on your face. You begin to feel your heart heal and the darkness being replaced by joy. Anger and loneliness cower and run under the hand of the almighty, Prince of Peace. You feel yourself being carried away to a place of forgiveness and restoration. Jesus takes your fragile heart in his hands and begins to heal the wounds. He tells you of his love for you, and how it never ran dry, even as you walked away from him. He tells you of a plan he has for your life, and how beautiful it will be if you decide to walk in it every day. He puts his hand to your cheek, wipes away the tears from your eyes, and then pulls you close to his chest. ” There is one more thing I need to tell you,” he says, as you look into his eyes. “The road will not be easy, and doubt will often come to speak his lies. He will try to steal your heart away. But always remember, no matter what happens, I love you. I love you so much that I have given you power in your life. Power over the enemy, power to carry the burdens I give you, power to overcome the odds that are against you, power to carry on when it seems like there is just nothing left to give. But best of all, power to bring healing and restoration to the broken-hearted. I will always be as close as the mention of my name, and whatever you want or need, just ask me and I will provide. All that I have done or will do, is all done for you! You are my heart’s desire, and one day, we will be together in eternity. But for now you must go and do a work for me, while I go and prepare a place for you. Never forget, I will never leave you comfortless, and I will always remain in your heart.”
There’s a smile on my face now, and a peace in my heart. Often, I hear the voice of my father, reminding me of his love for me. I have fallen many times, disappointing myself, and sometimes others. Doubt is always there, waiting with his stories, but every time, no matter what, I have found grace. This one thing I have learned, and it always keeps me. “My grace is sufficient for you: and my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Matthew 12:9